Return of the Toast Patrol!: A Visual Companion

1. MUFASA
In the movie The Lion King, Mufasa dies, then later shows up in the sky. In the picture featured in this Toast Patrol, the Cullens are also in the sky.

2. BEN KENOBI
In the movie Star Wars: Episode IV, Ben Kenobi dies, then later shows up looking all hazy (and is more or less in the sky). In the picture featured in this Toast Patrol, the Cullens are also looking all hazy (and are in the sky).

3. A DRAGON VOICED BY SEAN CONNERY
In the movie Dragonheart, the dragon character--voiced by Sean Connery-- dies, then later shows up as the constellation Draco... in the sky. In the picture featured in this Toast Patrol, guess where the Cullens are? I think you know.

4. FUNNY GAMES
Funny Games is a surprisingly good, psychologically-driven film (foreign, but recently remade as an American film, which I understand is shot-for-shot and therefore, in my opinion, rather pointless) in which two friendly young men dressed in white tennis-y outfits show up at a family's vacation home and proceed to play torturous, homicidal, 'funny' games with them. Unfortunately, Mr. Gumption's comment was just a joke, and neither of these young men showed up at the Cullens' in the Twilight series.

5. M SHADOWS
Is the lead singer of the band Avenged Sevenfold. Forrest Gumption is of the opinion that his voice makes him a good candidate to emcee a Saturday morning horror show.

6. ON THE EAST SIDE. IN A CASTLE. WITH SOME PIE.
The theme song of the 70's-80's sitcom The Jeffersons begins thusly-- Well we're movin on up/To the east side/To a deluxe apartment in the sky/Movin on up/To the east side/We finally got a piece of the pie. The Toast Patrol collective is vaguely aware of this.

Toast Patrol Strikes Back!: A Visual Companion

1. badtaxidermy.com
One of my absolute favorite websites. I'm not going to give you a visual for this one because I really, really want you to click the link.

2. I'M KING OF THE WORLD
A reference to the iconic scene in Titanic, in which Leonardo DiCaprio's character yells, 'I'm king of the world!' I've never seen the movie myself, but I think it's important to note that, comparing photos, Edward is Kate Winslet's character in the scenario. As long as no one draws him like one of their French girls...

3. ROCKET J. SQUIRREL-- The full name of Rocky and Bullwinkle's Rocky, the flying squirrel. For those of you who aren't familiar with old cartoons (or my moose-thusiasm), now you know why I demand Bella be a moose.

A New Toast Patrol: A Visual Companion

1. CARLTON BANKS
Carlton was the cousin of Will Smith's character in the TV show Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. As evidenced by the picture above, he was a fan of the draped-sweater look.

2. LUPUS
Here's another TV reference. On the show House, Hugh Laurie plays the magnificently crotchety Dr. House, who likes to inform people that the mysterious illness of the week is not lupus.

3. THE TWILIGHTS HE WAS LOOKING FOR
These aren't them. Obi-Wan Kenobi said so.

4. FORMING A HYPOTENUSE
The hypotenuse is the side opposite the 90-degree angle of a right triangle. This applies to all right triangles, not only the isosceles right triangle pictured (another common example is the 30 degree-60-degree-90-degree right triangle).

I believe that, in the context used, Mr. Gumption actually meant 'hypothesis', but that's a different matter.

Toast Patrol 1: A Visual Companion

The Toast Patrol segment has a long (well, not that long) and glorious (certainly glorious) history of using obscure pop culture references, along with just being outright strange. We realize that many of you don't have a context for a good bit of we say (and I'm willing to bet most of you thought we made up the word 'intellivision'), but we're also firm believers in weird education, and we want our toastyfriends to be in on our jokes. So, here's a visual reference guide to some of the stranger bits of our very first Toast Patrol, starting with...

1. JAPANESE RUBBER SUIT MONSTER

Typically associated with the Godzilla franchise of old (and knockoffs thereof), they're rubber, they're monster suits, and they're often Japanese. We here at Toast Patrol HQ have devoted a sizable portion of our collective heart to rubber suit monsters, so expect them to come up again.

2. CEREBRO

Cerebro is the giant machine-thing that Professor Xavier (of the X-Men) uses to amplify/visualize his psychic power--it's a huge psychic amphitheatre of sorts. If you haven't read the comic or seen the movies, just trust us... there's a psychic dude named Professor X, and Cerebro is his big round room where he watches the pretty pictures in his head.

3. PHOTOSHOP> FILTER> RENDER> CLOUDS

For the non-photoshop-literate, this is how you make a basic cloud texture. If you get the chance to use photoshop, try it. Then you'll understand just how easy it was to make the crappy backgrounds on all those Twilight fan pics.

4. EDDIE-PEE-PANTS
That water wasn't always green...

5. INTELLIVISION
It's actually a game system, a la Atari. And yeah, it's that old... just look at that retro-tastic finish.

The Top 20 Toasty Tidbits of 2010

Seasoned greetings, toastyreaders! To celebrate the figurative death of the year, the Toast Patrol crew has scoured our patrols thus far, and with our toasty powers combined we bring you the absolute toastiest of 2010.

And heeeeeeeeere they are:

20. 'Flronmpy'

19. The Japanese rubber-suit monster hair of 'Edward Pattinson'

18. Ralph McPukeface looks into the evil gun-hole

17. imp.toast demands Bella be a moose

16. Pither's server isn't serving

15. Spherical Twi-fan Romeo longs for Little Debbie

14. Forrest Gumption uses the worn their

13. Twi-fans feed their blanket a Subway sandwich and a non-believer

12. Bella is clearly a sweater

11. UPS wreck + tux + sewing machine = best prom ever

10. Aunt Mepple meets the guys

9. Jabba vs Unicorn Murderer

8. Forrest Gumption just sees a Reese's cup of depression

7. In a snit over the Harry Potter franchise, Rob Pattinson won't come down from the tree

6. The toastygang is neither fattist nor fattest

5. Eddie Pee-Pants holds back the rest of the class

4. A better franchise, off in the distance

3. Sewing machines are winning the arms race

2. Floor pie > sky pie > mud pie... therefore, 'not skittles'

1. Twi-fans are a threat to children and family games everywhere

Don't see your favorite bit of toast? Tell the world with a comment! Until then, we'll consider this an affirmation of our collective sense of humor. Happy 2011, everyone!

Toast Patrol: Scaryfans

Just in time for New Year's, it's a new Toast Patrol! This super-special plus-sized Patrol is devoted to the only thing worse than Twilight-- the frightening people who love it.

imp.toast: Some trust falls are less trustworthy than others.

Pither: This is what I am in the sheet!

Forrest Gumption: It looks like... Woodstock.

Forrest Gumption: But instead of hippies, it's... it's... hapless.

Forrest Gumption: Hapless girls.

Pither: (hiss)

Forrest Gumption: Wait!! No, now I know... they're feeding him!

Forrest Gumption: This is the pagan ritual.

Pither: What are they feeding him?

imp.toast: Subway?

Forrest Gumption: A Subway sandwich and a non-believer!

Forrest Gumption: The camera man is dead! This is a crime scene.

imp.toast: That explains the fence in the back.

Pither: So this is what a time-out is like.

Forrest Gumption: Two things that make me sad... crammed together.

Forrest Gumption: Like a Reese's cup of depression.

Pither: She looks like Romeo longing for Juliet.

imp.toast: She looks like Romeo longing for Little Debbie.

Pither: What is she sitting on?

Pither: Oh wait, that's her tummy.

imp.toast: My question is, what is she not stalking?

Pither: Well, here's my thought... one needs to have two capable legs to stalk properly.

Pither: Hence... yeah. No stalking.

imp.toast: Ah... so if she can't stalk, NO ONE CAN.

Pither: OR, she's just really in dire need of informing the masses that she ain't doing it.

Forrest Gumption: I was unaware they made tents in "hemisphere" sizes.

Forrest Gumption: Is that a 2 liter of mayo in the cup holder?

Pither: It needs to recede into whence it came.

Forrest Gumption: This is that crab that the Chinese believe creates the tides.

Pither: She seems to be dwelling in a village of similarly-abled organisms.

Forrest Gumption: The only possible answer is that this is that arsenic-based microbe.

Pither: Jabba the Hutt is going to sloth by any minute and throw spurs at her cheeks, in wishful hopes that she will pop.

imp.toast: Then HE will be fattest in all the land!

Forrest Gumption: She's holding the tail of a defeated unicorn. So...you know, Jabba versus Unicorn Murderer.

imp.toast: How is that not an internet game?

Pither: Jabba is pitying this creature.

Pither: Even he is going, 'Jeez, you could eat AROUND the fat.'

imp.toast: I think it's important to point out that she's brought all this upon herself by being a crazy Twilight fan.

imp.toast: We're not 'fattist'.

Forrest Gumption: She's fattest.

imp.toast: Really, there's no evidence that these are Twilight fans, but the picture was labeled 'Twilight fan' and I can't help but believe it.

Forrest Gumption: oh-mum-jibay, OH-MUM-JIBAY...

Pither: Funnily enough, my first reaction was HEARTS ON FIRE, HEARTS ON FIRE...

Forrest Gumption: This man hates flesh.

Pither: LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

Forrest Gumption: I think only that child will survive the obvious mass suicide.

Pither: The boy is scarred for life and for death.

Forrest Gumption: He knows both are in danger.

Pither: This man is a problem. He seems to emanate unawares-ness.

Pither: Only the boy is even taking notice of him.

Forrest Gumption: IGNORE ME!!!!

Pither: I feel like I know all of these kids from freshman year high school...

Pither: And none of them I wanted to remember.

imp.toast: No, I think there's at least one middle-aged mom in there.

Forrest Gumption: My hope: the boy on the right loses his tongue when any random, flailing hand hits him in the jaw.

Pither: They have never seen a camera before... they want to see it with their hands.

Forrest Gumption: Many of them seem to want to poke the camera man in the eyes, three stooges style.

Pither: Look at the guy behind the guy that loses his tongue when any random flailing hand hits him in the jaw... "idunevenohowigaaahhthere..."

Forrest Gumption: The others are in an intense game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Pither: It is a flock of geese. Such an occurence should nary take place in the game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Pither: These people are a threat to children and family games everywhere.

Forrest Gumption: This game is way out of hand.

Forrest Gumption: Or rather... full of hands.

Pither: And deathly terrible puns.

Toast Patrol 7: Return of the Revenge!

It's a toasty two-pack!

Forrest Gumption: Back in the lair of the tree-dwelling Robo-Pattinson…

Forrest Gumption: We all remember.

Pither: Oh, so THATS what he is in the light.

Forrest Gumption: He floats.

Pither: Sorry if this is lewd, but

Pither: what a bunch of horridly ugly people.

Forrest Gumption: This is the kind of thing his kind normally do in dark alleys or roadside rest areas.

Pither: Is he getting flagged?

Pither: In mid-float?

Pither: Was he floating without a permit?

imp.toast: I d'know...

imp.toast: It kind of just looks like he's being held back from going through with the worst scare attempt ever.

Forrest Gumption: This might be the most extreme game of two-hand touch ever.

Pither: "Does it hurt when i do this?"

Pither: "Is this where he hid the lamp?"

Pither: "Oh wow, it really is like a washboard."

Pither: "Don't push me there, I freeze in a weird hands in the air position."

Pither: "Aw jeez, and ya went and done it anyway."

imp.toast: One of my minor goals in life is now to find Rob Pattinson, grab his stomach, and see if he flails like that.

Pither: "Help, there's a girl on my back!"

Pither: "get it off get it off get it off"

imp.toast: That's not a girl, that's a disembodied pair of un-emotive eyebrows.

Pither: And a shoe.

imp.toast: Actually, the more I look, the more of a confusing mishmash of limbs this becomes.

Pither: "How'd you get up there?" "It was that Potter jerk. Thinks he's all high and mighty just because he's the name of a superior franchise."

imp.toast: "Now Rob, just because you died in that franchise..."

Pither: "NO, IT'S NOT OKAY"

imp.toast: "And you didn't get to take your shirt off..."

Pither: "I WAS GOING TO FIGHT RALPH FIENNES TOO"

imp.toast: "And I know they made you wash your hair, but really..."

Pither: "I hate being stuck up here like this. I'm so exposed to the ... the light..."

imp.toast: "Rob, you need to come down out of the tree. We won't make you bathe or act well, we promise."

Pither: (SHING SPARKLE SPARKLE)

imp.toast: "Rob, stop pretending to be a spatula. Your makeup is running."

Pither: "I want to look beautiful. What is more beautiful?"

imp.toast: Well... compared to this picture, pretty much anything.

Pither: "I have a pimple in my ear."

Pither: "You don't get to look at my hair anymore."

Forrest Gumption: So, explanations?

Forrest Gumption: They're about 20 mins into a Twilight series marathon.

Forrest Gumption: Bella is trying to look seductive.

Pither: "No, I said to stop after 5. Nine tacos is far too many, look at you now."

Forrest Gumption: Eddie Pee-Pants' hair is just off-screen.

Pither: C-c-c-c-cop a feel.

imp.toast: He thought that dropping acid would make the script make sense, but he was wrong...

Forrest Gumption: Newspaper title reads: "SMEYER to write buddy cop trilogy, 'Jacob and the Baby'."

Pither: "No, they're about to turn the fences back on..."

Forrest Gumption: I think they already have turned the fences on.

Forrest Gumption: He's remembering the last time.

Forrest Gumption: Because he looks like Tim.

imp.toast: He just found out he has to be there for the birthing scene in the last movie.

Pither: "(don't think about poop don't think about poop don't think abOUT POOOOOOooooop)"

Pither: "It's a cat... on a keyboard..... we're not in a space hotel room.. are we...?"

Pither: "OH NO"

imp.toast: He just watched his performance in The Last Airbender.

imp.toast: And so did they.

imp.toast: You can see the revulsion and pity on their faces.

Pither: He just got a coathanger rammed up his poop chute.

Pither: As I said before, I wish the guy in the back WAS M Shadows.

Pither: So he could push these sniveling rats off the screen into the abyss of evil and guns.

imp.toast: I think he's about to.

Forrest Gumption: They're looking into the abyss.

Forrest Gumption: And the evil gun-hole is looking back.

imp.toast: The other two are just handling it a lot better than Ralph McPukeface.

Pither: And the guy behind them is the master of ceremonies.

Pither: "Tonight is the night where you DIE AH HA HA HA HA HA ha ha!"

imp.toast: Now his life is flashing before his eyes, and he's not liking what he's seeing.

Pither: His past life is in fact rejecting itself and packing its bags and leaving for a better host.

imp.toast: That, or Edward peed on the carpet again.