Here at Toast Patrol HQ, we've decided to give you more toast at a time-- Toast Patrol now comes in packs of three! We've also been getting a little sick of the same old Twilight pictures, so this week we did our best to stay off-topic. Alas, just when we thought we were out, the bad fan-pics pulled us right back in again...
imp.toast: I know that's not actually Rob Pattinson... but I can't help wanting it to be.
Pither: What in the name of flying cheese has happened here?
Pither: What hath Satan wrought?
Pither: This is unbelievable.
Pither: This is one of the greatest photographs I've seen.
Pither: And the aftertaste!
Forrest Gumption: It tastes like suspicion and murder.
Pither: It tastes like not a great day for UPS.
Forrest Gumption: My guess is Robert Pattinson. By the river, with the sewing machine.
Forrest Gumption: Because this is clearly a mystery.
imp.toast: In a tux.
imp.toast: A mystery in a tux.
Forrest Gumption: Wrapped in a sparkly question. Inside an enigma.
Pither: Underneath a mysterious mystery of strange mystery.
Pither: I just want to be the guy in the tux.
Pither: Just show up with a questionable item at a crash site/crime scene/investigation and take a picture of me smiling with it in the background.
Forrest Gumption: Why DOES he have a sewing machine, whilst wearing a tux next to the river?
Pither: I think it's for the ladies.
imp.toast: I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that's what the cops are trying to work out.
imp.toast: That, or they're just shootin' the shite with the UPS guy.
Forrest Gumption: Just look at that crack detective squad.
Pither: I got it.
Pither: He used the sewing machine to coax the truck into the coasting off the road.
Forrest Gumption: Is this what the Mothman looks like up close?
Pither: It must be one o' them new-fangled sewin' machiners.
Pither: Those have special powers.
imp.toast: Special knocking-UPS-trucks-off-the road powers?
Pither: Yep.
Pither: They're normally used for herding cattle, but this one is defective.
Pither: It's a model that the army has been toying with for a while now.
Pither: They're KnockUPS brand.
Pither: I don't know bout you guys, but I want one.
Pither: Or six.
Pither: Just think of the things one can do with them.
Forrest Gumption: I think an even better observation-- the truck carefully backed up through some trees to get to that ledge.
Forrest Gumption: This smells of fierce intent to unbalance.
Pither: I believe that the KnockUPS sewing machine actually guides the trucks like a GPS to only crash into the desired object.
Pither: So it navigated the truck around the trees.
imp.toast: This makes me want to be a fashion major.
imp.toast: Then I could destroy the postal system while building a better tux.
Pither: Just look at what science can do.
Pither: We can't fix an oil spill, but we can give trucks a sense of sentience through psyonic sewing machines.
imp.toast: Science can... guide a truck around small trees, in spite of intent to ultimately destroy said truck?
Pither: Yeah!
Pither: Isn't that the tops?
Forrest Gumption: Is his hand strange to anyone else?
Forrest Gumption: All in all, I think this might be from Torgo's highschool scrapbook.
Pither: His fingers are flronmpy, aren't they.
Forrest Gumption: Looks like a hoof with a claw on it.
imp.toast: No, no, he's just subtly pointing toward his pants.
Pither: The sewing machine is his prom date, clearly.
Pither: And the UPS truck is his ride.
imp.toast: This may be the best prom ever!
Pither: pfffft..."MAY be" ...
Forrest Gumption: oh god
Forrest Gumption: oh man
Forrest Gumption: oh god oh MAN
Forrest Gumption: oh GOD OH MAN
Forrest Gumption: OH GOD
Forrest Gumption: OHMANOHGOD
Forrest Gumption: oh......man.
Pither: GET OFF MY MONITOR
Forrest Gumption: This was in the back of the UPS truck, on its way to Area 51 to be packed away forever with the Ark of the Covenant.
Pither: Thanks for going there.
imp.toast: Now we know why science had to destroy it.
Pither: See, they're on our side, they're looking out for the common good.
imp.toast: This picture is like the scariest 'Find the Hidden Images' game ever.
imp.toast: 'How many unspeakable horrors can YOU find?'
Pither: Why does anyone want a photograph rendering of a human face on their bed-type things?
Pither: I worry that this woman is real.
Forrest Gumption: And this woman things Edward is her lost mate.
Pither: Let's hope she isn't "thing"ing anything!
imp.toast: Um, CLEARLY the sewing machine guy is her lost mate. This woman is confused.
Forrest Gumption: OH GOOD! She's certified!
Forrest Gumption: Twice!
Pither: But for what...
imp.toast: Maybe those are just 'cheerful attitude' awards they gave her in whatever asylum she's recently broken out of.
Forrest Gumption: Maybe the sewing machine guy was also in the back of the truck, but escaped.
Forrest Gumption: Maybe he sewed this stuff, too.
Pither: I'm so frightened.
Pither: Things like this should not be.
Forrest Gumption: Well, there's one good thing to come from all of this..... now we know Twilight promotes women's self-defense.
imp.toast: How's that?
Pither: Against rape? 'cause nobody would touch her?
Forrest Gumption: Check out the "attacked from behind" poster on the wall.
Forrest Gumption: Bella is about to flip the vamp-rapist over her shoulder.
Forrest Gumption: Proving she is the alpha male.
Forrest Gumption: Because..........she is.
Pither: This woman thing is obsessed with very young couples.
Pither: One in particular, consisting of poor actors.
Pither: There are many a thing better to be obsessing over.
Pither: For example, hats.
imp.toast: True.
Pither: Or fine tables.
imp.toast: She seems to be misusing her space.
Pither: Or oddly extruded bottle door opener handle bars.
imp.toast: I... have no idea what those are, but I'm sure they should have hats on them.
Pither: They're entirely more interesting and important than bad actor couples that scowl all the time and sparkle.
Forrest Gumption: So.........wait. Someone had to take this photo.
Forrest Gumption: I might be a bit more scared now than when we began.
Pither: The camera might have been placed on a timer.
Forrest Gumption: Cameras these days have a safety for such things.
Pither: Oh right, I hadn't taken that into account.
Forrest Gumption: Another advance of science.
Pither: All the better that the sewing machine is winning the arms race.
Forrest Gumption: Oh, Manowar is having a reunion tour.
Pither: "Even an Asian can bleed."
imp.toast: They're not Asian.
imp.toast: I think Asians have more hair than this.
Pither: TONIGHT WE DINE ON THE MOON!
imp.toast: I'm not sure I can see these guys dining on anything more butch than a nice house salad.
imp.toast: With low-fat dressing.
Forrest Gumption: They have matching tattoos, meaning they're in a gang, or they've all dated.
Pither: Do you think they are wiener cousins?
imp.toast: Those designs are just to cover up each other's names, since the relationships didn't work out.
Pither: Why do they all look so filthy?
Pither: Oh wow, how could i forget.
Pither: ".... Our shirts are removed..."
Forrest Gumption: "I am afloat with passion...."
Forrest Gumption: "...lost in your eyes!"
Pither: Lost in our eyes.
imp.toast: Well, I think we know now why none of these guys are alpha male.
Pither: The guy in the very back center is just goin' "Hi, Aunt Mepple! Yeah, these are the guys."
Forrest Gumption: Dude! Check out Videodrome next to Jacob!
Forrest Gumption: He has a concave chest-gina.
Forrest Gumption: Well, ab-gina.
imp.toast: AGH!
Pither: Vaginab.
imp.toast: My chat window was covering him.
imp.toast: ... and now it is again.
Pither: You don't realize how different it really is, not having any context to put this in at all.
Forrest Gumption: These are all Jacob cosplayers hanging out with a cardboard cutout of a painting of Jacob.
imp.toast: You know, all these guys are supposed to be Native American, but they look like a bunch of guys of different descent who've been airbrushed the same caramel-crap color.
Forrest Gumption: The guy on the left wins because he too tilts his head down while smoldering.
Pither: I don't know why they are shirtless, I don't know why they are in the forest, I don't know why there isn't a moon present; new or old.
imp.toast: That guy on the left smoldered any and all moons out of existence.
Pither: The guy middle left is every cook at Chili's.
Forrest Gumption: Is the guy on the right Doug Jones in Native American makeup?
Forrest Gumption: Wouldn't be shocked at all.
imp.toast: ... Do you realize how freakishly tall the rest of them would have to be to make Doug Jones look like the Elijah Wood of the bunch?
Forrest Gumption: Jacob's not tall, he's just in the foreground.
Pither: The guy on the right is a disembodied torso.
imp.toast: Ah, forced perspective.
Forrest Gumption: He could be a centaur.
Pither: Or a putz.
Forrest Gumption: We don't have enough visual information.
Pither: Let's go with putz.
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